Anxiety and depression often lock arms, and demand to be noticed; but I’ve discovered tools to help silence their intimidations. Among many other tools, learning to see the world from the vantage point of gratitude has been critical to my victories over these two bullies.
My story includes depression
After Gary and I married in 2012, he and his boys moved into my home as we began life together. As I mentioned in the last post, all four of us had been traumatized by the process of illnesses and deaths of our previous spouses, and so his boys were less than thrilled to be facing a new life with a new “mom” figure. Blending a new family takes time. It has been wisely stated that the process of blending families is more like a crock pot than a microwave. It’s true.
My now youngest son expressed his daily frustrations openly and the oldest was more inclined to passive aggression. Either way, I understood their frustration. Gary’s and my courtship had been long-distance, so I had only a handful of opportunities to get to know Gary’s boys before the wedding. I intellectually understood their pain, but my heart wept that wanting them in my life didn’t currently mean they wanted me in theirs.
Gary too was adjusting to our new family as he navigated the employment market in a new state at fifty-seven years of age. He had previously experienced decades of working in his father’s very successful and well-known electrical business with Kroger stores in four states. But his dad had died several years before leaving the business in decline, and now he tried to find work in a part of the country where his father’s business success meant nothing. He was starting over, and although he told me he would deal with the boys until our relationship had a chance to grow (a good idea in theory) his new job was way below his previous pay-grade and experience level which added tremendous stress to his life. I became the adult who most often interacted with the boys.
Tempers often flew and my formerly peaceful home of just me and the dog was no more. I expected Gary to step in, but his own grief and all they had been through together still overwhelmed them all. I felt very alone and invaded as depression began to set in. I daily struggled with my own trauma, compounded by anger and growing bitterness.
As our second Christmas rolled around, I wasn’t doing well internally. While looking through a book catalog one afternoon, a title caught my eye, and I knew the Lord was encouraging me to get the book. I ordered, “1000 Gifts” by Ann Voscamp, and soon after Christmas began reading it. I related with Anne’s journey with depression, and so her words soothed my aching soul.
God knew I needed this! Photos in this post are gratitude photos from that time period.
My education into defeating depression
What I learned from Anne, I now share with you. Her years of depression slowly lifted as she learned to practice gratitude. It sounds too simple, but as I also took up the practice, I too began to notice depression lose it’s hold. There were other measures I later took to keep depression at bay, but for now I’ll share how both Anne and I began this simple practice, and in the following posts I’ll speak to the other things I had to add. This practice is an amazingly simple tool that is critical to mental health.
Anne’s sister gave her a journal as a gift, and suggested she daily write down everything that brought her the smallest bit of pleasure and happiness. It became a game to see if she could discover 1,000 gifts to enter into the journal she now left open on her kitchen counter. She prayed that God would show her even the smallest pleasures so she could write them down.
For the first time, her eyes were opened to the beauty within the iridescent bubbles in her soapy dish water. She began to notice the pleasure she found in hearing the birds singing outside her kitchen window. She suddenly noticed the artistic way the shadows danced on the walls as the sun came through the open door. Her children’s laughter and childish conversations began to bring her pleasure rather than irritation. As her soul became alive to the simple beauties, depression slowly began to lift. Gratitude was displacing depression as God moved to heal her heart. She found such pleasure and joy she had never experienced, and soon began taking pictures of her discoveries. Her blog now contains her photos, and continues the dialog of her journey.
I’d never thought of looking for God’s gifts in such simple, daily pleasures. Until reading Anne’s book, if I noticed the bird songs at all, I didn’t think of being grateful. Being thankful for simple things like soap suds? But Ann’s transformation gave me hope. It wasn’t long that hope drew me to place my own open journal and pen on the kitchen island to await my own record of gratitude discoveries. I too soon added a growing number of photos to remind me over and over of new found simple pleasures. And as my list grew, I too felt depression’s fangs withdraw from my being.
Grateful for an evening walk holding hands with Gary
‘Often people ask how I manage to be happy despite having no arms and no legs. The quick answer is that I have a choice. I can be angry about not having limbs, or I can be thankful that I have a purpose. I chose gratitude.’ – Nick Vujicic
Depression, gratitude, and science
Neuroscience of gratitude article
Neuroscience has discovered that there are several long-term benefits of practicing gratitude through giving simple thank-you notes and keeping a gratitude journal. An article in PositivePsychology.com entitled, “The Neuroscience of Gratitude and the Effects on the Brain” states that the effects of regularly expressing gratitude:
Activates the reward centers of the brain enhancing feelings of well-being and contentment while also encouraging cognitive restructuring making it easier to think positively
Rewires the brain to fire new connections to the bliss center (see also information from the previous post by Dr. Caroline Leaf regarding rewiring the brain)
Reduces fear, depression and anxiety through regulating the stress hormones while enhancing dopamine and serotonin transmitters responsible for happiness
There are also beneficial effects on the body, including:
Activation of the portions of the brain that regulate emotions, body functions, and memory allowing those who regularly practice gratitude to heal faster and feel better sooner compared to those who strictly focus on their negative experiences
Increased vitality and thereby decreased symptoms of pain
Improved deep and healthy sleep, with increased opportunities to feel refreshed upon waking
Making a habit out of expressing gratitude also improves social bonds and increases the possibilities for positive social outcomes in the future.
Grateful for clean dishes and a dishwasher to clean them
…. a light expression not necessarily conditioned to good times, making it possible to maintain the feeling and feel good, even during negative experiences or most difficult moments.
The studies referred to in the NIH article included gratitude interventions such as:
Gratitude diaries
Conversation programs
Training and visits
Expression of gratitude to others (verbally or in writing)
Publishing pictures with captions of gratitude
Thinking of things that makes one feel grateful
The studies this article focused on showed that a habit of expressing gratitude positively improved:
Satisfaction with life
Mental health by decreasing the symptoms of anxiety, depression, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (see also my last article on anxiety regarding how Dr. Caroline Leaf has discovered that changing the way you think changes the “root” structure of the brain)
Feelings of optimism and positivity
Prosocial behaviors
Sleep patterns (in one study significantly, and in another study no measurable improvement) There are other factors that affect this, which I will write about in a future article
This practice isn’t one and done. It has to be regularly maintained. I have found that since making the practice of gratitude a priority, I notice God’s daily gifts more readily. I have also discovered that when I’m focusing on a current problem my ability to notice his gifts diminish.
The reason I attribute simple daily pleasures to God is because I have experienced his goodness and know that he is the author and giver of all such gifts. I thank him, because my heart longs for him to experience the pleasure of having truly blessed me.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17
Surprise gift of steamed Blue Crabs from a friend!
Bible bites regarding depression and gratitude
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the Lord’s favor has come.” Luke 4:18-19 (NLT)
Let me pray for you
Lord, this one reading this post needs your touch. You promise that all who come to you will never be turned away. You promise never to batter them as they have experienced in the world. You promise not to extinguish what light that remains, but desire to give them life like they can’t even imagine. Peace like they only dream of, and hope they have come to think doesn’t exist. Holy Spirit do what only you can do. Surprise them by your power and love toward them. In Jesus’ name, amen.
One man’s testimony of the power of gratitude to pull down depression
Anxiety. That sense of electricity uncontrollably coursing through my body. Feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin but can’t. Agitation I can’t walk away from. It’s tormenting.
In 2007, as I faced my husband’s impending death, anxiety struck the first time like lightning. The storm lasted six to eight years, striking multiple times daily, every day like poor Ned Ryreson reliving Ground Hog Day. It took time to understand what in the world I was experiencing, and that I wasn’t going mad. It also took a lot of time for God to instruct me how to harness anxiety and restore peace.
It’s been a while since I have dealt with anxiety like I did in those days. I’ve experienced small squalls since, but within the last several months, anxiety has tried to batter me once again to where I’ve wanted to crawl under a rock and escape. Once again faithful God is teaching me how to subjugate this beast and restore peace. Since we all have moments when anxiety and fear rage, allow me to share with you pieces of my journey and my transformations to peace.
I’m not a professional but do know anxiety
I have a lot of experience with anxiety over many years, and it is from that pool of experience that I write and remind myself of how far I’ve come.
As I researched this post, I learned of Dr. Caroline Leaf, a Neuroscientist who has spent her career studying the plasticity of the brain. She states that anxiety and its associated emotions aren’t meant to be accepted as “normal” forever, but to be tools to expose areas of our lives needing assistance so we can live healthy lives.
Our culture is obsessed with Social and digital media as we crave greater amounts of information. Yet, with all we allow ourselves to take in daily, both pleasant and stressing, society in general is beginning to show signs that something is wrong.
“The use of social networks is strongly correlated with the development of anxiety and other psychological problems such as depression, insomnia, stress, decreased subjective happiness, and a sense of mental deprivation.”
Neuroscientists are learning that unbridled negative emotions/circumstances and their corresponding thought patterns build toxic pathways in our brains much like deformed roots and branches of a tree. In addition, they are also learning that we can retrain our brains to shut off the spiraling thought patterns that help produce chronic anxiety and depression.
We all have choices, and can choose patterns that avoid or heal chronic anxiety. Who and what I listen to is critical for my mental health and for retraining my brain toward more healthy pathways. If the majority of my intake only encourages and affirms my anxiety, depression, and negativity, I’m feeding myself poison.
I was recently told that someone, whom I love deeply, realized that much of her anxiety was caused by what and who she listened to, and that once she stopped all the toxins coming in, she began to see life with greater positivity. Several of the above reports suggested limiting social and digital media usage in order to improve mental health.
After my first husband’s death in 2008, what I listened to helped to decrease grief and anxiety
Instead of listening to music that “understood” and “affirmed” my grief and anxiety, I chose music that reminded me that I was understood and upheld by the God who made and loved me, that I didn’t walk alone, and that God had good plans for my future. Rather than becoming further depressed, the music improved my mental health. I’ve heard many testimonies from others who also chose to listen to Christian music for 30 days, and that it changed their outlook on life. KLOVE is an excellent starting point.
I made time to sit with my pain and acknowledge the loss with Jesus as my companion, rather than allow anxiety and grief to spiral over and over in my head. I listened to Jesus’ voice and comfort over focusing on the grief, anxiety, and loss I felt. The space I made to grieve allowed me to heal sooner, and offered me greater peace as I navigated this new season of life.
I surrounded myself with people who could offer hope and instruction as to how to navigate this new stage of life. I attended a local GriefShare group that surrounded me with people who understood. The accompanied grief training also taught me that my grief experiences were normal, and helped me navigate this new life with greater peace. Both the people and training equipped me to understand my grief so I could heal, offering less space for anxious thoughts to take precedence. GriefShare has chapters throughout the US and also has a web presence if you live outside the US.
After remarrying in 2012, a trauma counselor helped tremendously with anxiety
My newly blended family struggled with the traumatic loss of their former wife and mom two years before. Also, I was now the third mom to not only my adopted son, but now two step-sons who had also been adopted. Life wasn’t easy for any of us as we navigated to blend our family. in addition, I continued to deal with the anxiety associated with my first husband’s death. Pain clashed with pain and sometimes triggered old wounds and created new ones.
I finally realized I needed assistance to work through the trauma, and so my pastor recommended a Christian trauma counselor. She affirmed the trauma by acknowledging that I wasn’t exaggerating the struggles. She also spoke truth, hope, and life into our situation, and gave me sound advice as to how to express my heart, needs, and emotions so my husband could better understand. This time with her gave me tools, hope, and a healthier way forward, and broke down opportunities for anxiety to continue to rule.
After about four years of marriage, things began to calm down significantly, and I had healed enough that the anxiety no longer had a hold on me. I was grateful for the morning I awoke, and anxiety wasn’t the first emotion I experienced. I was finally beginning to feel safe.
During COVID we invented new practices to guard against anxiety
Covid, for the most part, is behind us. Yet the effects are still among us. What I learned from that time still affects what and who I listen to today.
I cut off most of the news and social media as it was having a negative impact on my mental health. I still hold to this practice. My life is much more fruitful because I don’t spend hours listening to and reading about things I have no control over. So when I interact with the pain of others within my world, I have a greater pool of energy and compassion to give. My impact is increased because I’ve not given my emotional energy to things outside my sphere of influence.
My husband and I began a practice then that we still hold to today – we often spend time near the end of the day listening to and singing contemplative worship and praise music that lifts our eyes from the events of this world to God’s realm among us. It calms and soothes me from the effects of daily life, and often eases any anxiety that I may be facing with his peace.
The role the Bible plays in my mental health
Reading my Bible daily is critical to my mental health. Below are some helpful steps to begin and maintain a reading plan:
Pray for God to reveal his love for me
Don’t begin with Genesis or Matthew
Good starting places – the Psalms (reveals God’s understanding and compassion) and the gospel of John (reveals God’s love and power through Jesus)
Read a newer translation such as the NIV or NLT. King James was a wonderful translation for its time, but the archaic language makes it difficult to understand today
Read until something about God’s love, or a positive course change sticks out to you. That may be God speaking to your heart
Respond to what you read – Pause, consider, record what you recieved, and talk to God about it
A taste from God’s Word
The Bible simply speaks to the wisdom of guarding what I allow into my mind, and the positive benefit of doing so:
…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9 (NLT)
A Prayer of Hope
Lord, you have brought great healing into my mind, body, and spirit, so I ask you to do the same for this dear one. Your love for them surpasses knowledge. May you grant them the trust they need to reach out to you. In Jesus’ name, amen.
I’m learning the hard way that listening for the approval of people while listening to the accusations in my head is maddening!
Am I listening for the approval of others?
I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life, listening and hoping for their approval. I’m the one who notices every facial expression, and every look. I’ve been the one who wonders if the person who just walked into the room is disgruntled because of something I may have done to displease them. I’ve been this way my whole life, and I’m beginning to realize it has become like a python wringing the life out of me.
I know I’m not alone. About a year ago I had a conversation with someone who exclaimed, “All girls want is to control you.” I expressed that I too was a girl and didn’t have such designs for him. I then stated that I knew plenty of “girls” who didn’t have that as their number one goal in life. I suggested that maybe his ideas about “all girls” only indicated who he was listening to, who he hung around, and the kind of music and social media presence he chose to listen to.
Am I listening to voices that drag me down?
Unrealistic social media clips that scream that everyone else’s life is far better than mine
People who act as though my only worth is in meeting their excessive expectations and increasing demands
Those in life who ascribe worth based solely upon my sexual performance
Bosses who demand more and more despite excessive workload and extreme overtime
The inner voices of the past who proclaimed I’m worthless
The religion that exclaims my value comes by checking off the religious “to-do” list
The inner coach who proclaims I will never be good enough, never be successful enough, because nothing I do is ever enough
That online bully who won’t go away
The daily newsclips that makes me depressed, anxious, and fearful
The experiences of the past that say that it’s too late, too horrible, too evil
I’ve found a voice worth listening to
The only voice I’ve found powerful enough to quiet the other voices is the voice of my heavenly Daddy. In the last few weeks, I’m learning how to better listen to his voice and silence the others. I no longer feel crazy inside.
I was recently recommended an app that has greatly impacted who I listen to. Late last week, I was given an exercise using Psalm 23. I was asked to use the phrases and sentences in the Psalm to search for Jesus’ heart for me as I shared my heart with him.
As you read, please be honest with God. Modify the prayer to fit you.
An invitation to silence all the other voices and be heard by the God who listens
An exercise in honestly listening and being listened to using Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd, he provides for every need so I don’t lack anything.
God, I’m not yet certain I need a shepherd. I have so many questions about you. But I do know I lack a whole lot of things like peace, hope, joy, and a sense of being loved and valued for who I am. I’ve listened to a whole lot of people and can’t seem to find any of these things, at least not in a way that lasts very long. If you are listening, would you please show me who you are, and why you value me? Would you show me how to have your peace? Would you give me hope?
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet streams, he restores my soul.
Life is chaotic. The accusing and competing voices I’ve been listening to are too loud. I need safe spaces and quietness inside. I need peace and calm in my soul. If you are listening, would you please quiet the other voices so I can hear yours?
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
No matter what I do, I never feel like I please anyone, let alone you. The accusing voices are driving me mad. Yet your word says that Jesus did everything right on my behalf and that he paid for my rebellion so I can be made right with you. If you are able to redeem me from the accusing voices I’ve listened to, would you please?
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and staff comfort me.
Life is hard and I’ve been through a lot of horrible stuff. God, did you see it all? Did you care about it all? If you did, would you show me where you were when I faced all this? Would you reveal your love and heart to me in the face of all I’ve been through? Please. I need your comfort. I need to see you are truly able and powerful to take care of all I face in life. I’m listening. I also need to know if you are listening as well.
You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup overflows.
I have plenty of enemies, and to be honest they are overwhelming and beyond my capability to protect myself. If you can pull off offering me a feast as they look on, unable to do anything about it, I’m ready. I’m famished and so thirsty for something in life worth living for. I need your healing ointment. I’m so tired.
Surely goodness and kindness shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in God’s house forever.
Are you claiming that f I allow you to shepherd me, that goodness and kindness will follow me the rest of my life? There isn’t much goodness or kindness left in the world I live in. I’m not even sure I know what goodness or kindness feel like. If that is true, then please show me your kindness. Show me your goodness.
You also offer me the opportunity to live in your house forever? I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere; so, if you, the God of heaven, are offering me a safe place in your peaceful home forever, it’s beyond anything I can fathom. I long to follow a shepherd who can grant such magnificent promises. Reveal yourself to me. Reveal the reality of your promises to me, please.
An invitation to explore a relationship
Throughout the Bible God has used the picture of sheep and a shepherd because the people of the day were shepherds and farmers. They understood the beautiful relationship between the shepherd and his sheep. They could pick out a good shepherd from the bad ones by how well the shepherd cared for his sheep. They also understood how vulnerable sheep were, how defenseless they were without a good shepherd. We too are defenseless on our own against the evil we face in the world. Jesus offers to be a good shepherd to you. The invitation is yours, the choice is also yours. If you wish to converse with him about it, use the idea of Psalm 23 above and tell him so. He hears you very well and has longed a very long time for that conversation.
Guilt. We all deal with it and have since the first humans experienced overpowering guilt and shame several millennia ago.
WHAT INTRODUCED GUILT AND SHAME INTO OUR STORY?
Created Guiltless
In Genesis one and two we read that God created all things by speaking them into existence. Yet it adds that he uniquely formed the first man with his own hands out of the dust of the ground, and then breathed his very life into him. He later fashioned the first woman from the man’s rib. The Bible also says God created them in his very image and likeness. He then gave all humanity, including you and me the mandate to rule and care for this earth as he would, as his co-regents. Identity, relationship, purpose, and fulfillment. Guiltless.
The garden he place them in was beautiful beyond imagination and included everything they would need and everything that was was good and pleasing. Here they experienced God’s very best – safety, peace, and gladness, with a life free from danger, fear, anxiety, sorrow, grief, pain, guilt, and shame. God joined them in the garden and spent precious time with them.
Within this beautiful garden God planted a tree called “The Knowledge of Good and Evil” and allowed access for a serpent. Both were harmless if left alone, but were in the garden to offer the man and woman the freedom to choose or reject God (no robots). God gave them one rule out of all the “yes’s” he offered, along with his explicit instructions to never eat from that tree. If they did, they would die.
Guilt introduced
In Genesis three we read that one day as the woman walked in the garden, the serpent came along and pointed out that tree and inferred that she and her husband Adam were missing out, and that one tree would enlighten them to all their Creator had withheld.
Adam and Eve already enjoyed God’s every good gift and safety, so the only thing that tree could offer was the knowledge of evil, which was the serpent’s specialty. In the original language, “evil” implies not only the construct of evil but everything that goes with it. Pain, suffering, hopelessness, guilt, shame, broken bodies, broken minds, foreign reasoning, all leading to a broken world. But this couple had never experienced such things, and so the serpent knew his only opportunity to gain their allegiance was to cause them to doubt God’s goodness, long for what they didn’t understand, and entice them to taste the pleasures evil offered. The serpent still counts on our naivety.
The Bible states that the woman believed the serpent and enticed her husband to also eat from the fruit. Immediately their eyes were opened to evil and they realized they were naked. Evil twisted what had been good, destroyed their innocence, and repictured view of themselves, their relationship with their Creator and one another. They sewed fig leaves to cover their guilt and shame and then hid from the only one who could help them.
Nothing has changed, has it?
MERCY FOR GUILT
God found the man and woman hiding and called them to himself. He questioned them, they blamed everything but themselves, and eventually confessed. He told them what they would have to face because of their choice, yet in hope also declared that one day he would send a Redeemer who would make all things right. This Redeemer would also destroy the serpent who had deceived them. God didn’t abandon them to their guilt.
GOD COVERED THEIR GUILT AND SHAME
If you read Genesis 3:21, you’ll notice that God didn’t do what most of us would do. After confronting them and offering hope, he removed their attempt to cover their guilt and shame, and clothed them. God killed an animal he had created for good things, took its skin, and covered his children. This was the first sacrifice to pay for sin. His love for his children was immense. It still is.
WHO IS THIS REDEEMER PROMISED TO RID US OF OUR GUILT?
There is a prophesy in Isaiah 53:2-6 in the Old Testament that beautifully describes this Redeemer and how he would rid you and me from guilt.
The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed. We’re all like sheep who’ve wandered off and gotten lost. We’ve all done our own thing, gone our own way. And God has piled all our sins, everything we’ve done wrong, on him, on him. (MSG)
JESUS OFFERS US AN EXCHANGE FROM GUILT TO GUILTLESS
Kindness, mercy, and grace isn’t what we expect, is it? We assume judgement and condemnation because that is what we deserve. But God’s love is so great and his compassion so tender toward you and me that his heart would always rather offer to redeem us rather than condemn us in our guilt.
Our Creator sent his Son to do for us what we can’t do for ourselves. Jesus became a man yet remained fully God, lived guiltlessly before God, and chose to pay for our guilt by sacrificing himself on our behalf. His payment:
Cleanses us from our guilt and shame
Breathes his Spirit within us
Makes us brand new creatures in Jesus
Destroys the hold of sin and death that was killing us
His Spirit within us makes the exchange from death to life, darkness to light, evil to restored good (God’s righteousness) in a split second when we choose to entrust ourselves to this Redeemer and his offer of new life. Yet change also happens over time as we yield to his work within us. We never have to grunt out change. We only yield to his gentle voice and direction as he makes the changes within us. Not religious zeal, but contented restoration of guiltless relationship.
Today, he’s offering you this exchange. Your guilt for his righteousness. Living in God’s rightness takes us back to the place where we can experience the same goodness and guiltlessness that Adam and Eve left behind when they rebelled. The same peace, gladness, safety, hope, and freedom from guilt and shame that killed us inside.
That’s his gift to you, but you must be willing to receive both him and his gift. It’s your choice.
If you ask Jesus to make this exchange, he promises that you will no longer live in condemnation. Guiltless. Read that verse in Romans again. New creations in Jesus Christ don’t have to get bogged down any longer in the vicious cycle of sin and the death that brings about guilt and shame.
Lord God, I am so tired of the guilt and shame. I’m tired of the endless cycle of attempting to cover myself but only ending up naked and ashamed once again. I have really messed my life up by __________________________ (you fill in the blank) and need a Redeemer, a savior. Would you make me new? I want to experience being made guiltless because of Jesus. Please. I give my life to you and will follow Jesus the rest of my days in gratitude for what you are about to do in me. In Jesus’ name, amen.
If you aren’t ready for that prayer, my I suggest this one?
“Dear God, I’m not certain I can believe all Robin says, or what your Bible says. But I am willing to say, ‘If you are real, and if all this is true, then reveal yourself to me. If you are real, I want to know you and experience all your Bible says. And if you do, I’ll serve you the rest of my days.'”
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Dear one, it may seem like you are solitary in your grief and pain, but I can assure you that you are seen, and there is someone who has already felt your sorrow and carried the weight you bear.
Yet it was our grief he bore, our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, for his own sins! But he was wounded and bruised for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace; he was lashed—and we were healed!We—every one of us—have strayed away like sheep! We, who left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet God laid on him the guilt and sins of every one of us! Isaiah 53:4-6 (TLB)
That loss that led you to unimaginable grief – God sees and whispers, “I welcome you to come close. Let me comfort you. My son, Jesus, came and gave his life so you no longer have to grieve alone without hope.”
Those words that cut you to the core and left shame in their wake – Jesus heard them and defies them with, “I made you; you are mine. Come to me in your weariness and brokenness and I will give you rest. Let me reveal to you the love through which I view you, and you will discover the masterpiece I formed in your mother’s womb. You are not forgotten or garbage to me. Let me show you who you are through my eyes, for you are my beloved.”
The cutting that no longer dulls the pain as it once did but only deepens the scars that mark both your body and soul – Jesus cries out to you, “I let them whip and cut me so you no longer need to cut yourself. Let me bear your unbearable pain. Let me enter your darkest places with you and reveal my heart for you within that place, and show you my power to restore light and hope, for you are mine.”
The shame and guilt that becomes weightier the longer you hide what you’ve done, or what another has done against you. Jesus lived, died, and arose to restore the life and hope shame and guilt have stolen from you. You have born the pain far too long. Jesus paid the penalty for that which you have no ability to cleanse yourself from. He knows. He cares. He loves you more lavishly than you could ever imagine. He alone has the power to remove the stain of your sin and the sins others stained you with. He can cleanse you and make you whiter than snow.
Jesus meets me daily in my grief and pain
Over sixteen years ago I buried my husband of twenty-five years after two years battling lung cancer. He suffocated to death, basically. Pain still pulsates through me when I think about it. Six months before his death I began having panic attacks. What they were I didn’t know, but they were horrific. It took years to become free from them.
Since his death, my life is completely different, and nothing I ever would have imagined.
Before his illness and death, Norman and I were raising our special needs son with non-verbal autism and mood disorder. We adopted Rick* at five, and he really never accepted me as his third mom. He’d been around this adoption thing before and so figured at some point his life would eventually turn upside down again. Norman was the steady one, and accepting him seemed to come more naturally for Rick. Rick often enjoyed playing control games with me more than Norman, so Norman’s illness and death only led to escalations that I could no longer easily control. After Norman’s death, I couldn’t care for Rick alone as it wasn’t safe for either of us. In my wildest dreams I never imagined having to remove Rick from our home. Despite the challenges, he was our son and we loved him dearly. The process was horrific and the trauma to both of us was tremendous.
After sixteen years, Rick still lives in a group home. Our relationship is better than it has ever been as we’ve both healed and grown a lot through those years. However, the pain and grief still linger in spaces I can’t fix. We’ve grown but both walk with a limp.
I remarried twelve years ago to a wonderful man who also lost his wife after six years of severe, in-and-out of the hospital illnesses. Gary’s two boys were also adopted from traumatic circumstances. His youngest was only six when his adoptive mom became ill and almost died the first time. She died three days before his twelfth birthday. I became third mom once again. Rejection became “normal” because who in their right mind would readily accept a third mom they didn’t want in the first place. Gary’s boys are now grown and on their own and we have a much better relationship, but they too still show signs of the pain and loss. We all do. It has taken years for each of us to find a new normal, and some of us are able to do that more easily than others. Our sons find it the hardest as their lives have been in hard places too many times with too many broken relationships to fully trust again.
Gary and I have been in ministry for the last three of our twelve years together. He pastors a small multicultural congregation of Jesus followers in the southwest. It’s a life I never dreamed of, but it’s exactly where I want to be. It’s very difficult at times as the cultural differences are still something we always must work through. We still have so much to learn. But what we’ve been through has been used by God more times than I can imagine to pour out his love on people who have experienced, sometimes, more brokenness than we have. I guess what I’ve learned as I’ve walked through all this is that Jesus understands and calls me to his embrace over and over. It’s hard to explain what his embrace and presence feel like, but it’s like smelling peonies and hearing lullabies, and walking into the homiest house I can imagine full of all things warm and welcoming. During the hardest and not so hard, I have also been amazed at how he can pull off a miracle in my life, circumstance, or in another life when I just let go and let him do his thing in and through me.
What is your story?
On what type of journeys have grief and pain taken you? I have so much to learn, and am very willing to learn from my readers. If you would like to begin a dialogue, so we can learn from one another, please leave a comment and tell me a bit of your story. Also, please subscribe to get these posts when they come out. Since I last wrote, I continue to change how I view this blog, and want you, my reader, to play a part in what happens here.
Please, may I pray for you before we say “goodbye” for today? Lord, this precious one who has read this far, meet them in their need. May they be willing to take the chance that if they cry out to you for help, and are willing to yield to your gentle care, you will answer. You’ve answered me a million times in ways I could never deny either your existence or your compassion. Reveal yourself to them in this moment. Please. In Jesus’ name, amen.
This song shares Jesus’ heart for you better than I can
The writer and singer has his own story of grief and pain. Look it up. It may encourage you as well as it has me.
Should you wish to read a bit more about my grief journey
Do you long to be loved because you are known, and not because someone only wants something from you?
Before my first husband passed, one of the last things he said to me was, “I wish we had more time to get to know one another.” We’d been married just over twenty-five years, but to me his words meant the world. We had both loved one another but often spent more time assuming what we knew than sitting down and becoming known.
Is there anyone who will take the time to really know me?
Too many in the religious world assume we know someone by their surroundings, their actions, or the way they think and respond. For too long I judged the same. I’m grateful Jesus doesn’t. Jesus knows all that’s happened that led you to where you are today. He knows why you think the way you do, and the turmoil that causes you to cry out to really be known and loved, way down deep. Without the judgement.
He remembers all the times you thought love finally arrived only to experience it was just another cheap shot by someone who only wanted to use you.
The story of the woman who had only been known by her failures
There’s a story in the Bible about a woman whom Jesus insisted on meeting, although he knew his fellow Jews, and even his own disciples would frown. She wasn’t even someone her own people wanted to associate with. She felt alone, unknown, and unloved.
The Bible states that Jesus went out of his way to meet this unnamed woman. He knew she’d be at the well, alone, battling the heat. He also knew why she chose this unusual time of day. He waited by the well until after his disciples left to get some lunch as he wanted to speak with her alone. He knew his disciples were discovering who he was and why he came, but also knew they had so far to go. They wouldn’t understand, and so he sat alone, waiting for her to arrive.
She sauntered toward the well wrapped up in her own thoughts. Suddenly she noticed the man sitting quietly and so cautiously walked toward the well, approaching as though she were a deer looking for a trap. She’d never seen this man before, and she could tell by his dress and demeanor that he was a Jew. Jews hated Samaritans, and she didn’t even consider herself an upstanding Samaritan. Yet she had to draw from the well for her day’s needs, so she guessed she’d have to deal with whatever this man dished out.
Jesus knew all the details but refused to condemn her
She expected curses and hate-filled words, for even a Jewish man would understand why she was there so late in the day. Yet, his first remarks were kindly asking her for a drink. She instantly shot back, “Why would a Jew ask a Samaritan for anything? We all have no questions about what you Jews think of us Samaritans. Nor do we have better to say about Jews.”
Jesus replied, “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water.”
“But sir, you don’t have a rope or a bucket,” she said, “and this well is very deep. Where would you get this living water?And besides, do you think you’re greater than our ancestor Jacob, who gave us this well? How can you offer better water than he and his sons and his animals enjoyed?”
Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again.But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”
“Please, sir,” the woman said, “give me this water! Then I’ll never be thirsty again, and I won’t have to come here to get water.”
Jesus then responded in a way that totally caught the woman off-guard.
“Go and get your husband,” Jesus told her.
“I don’t have a husband,” the woman replied.
Jesus said, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband—for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth!”
Jesus knows you don’t need another religion
Stunned, the woman replied that Jesus must be a prophet, because he knew things no stranger would know. Suddenly she realized that if he was truly a Jewish prophet, he would be able to answer her long-held questions about why there was such a divide between the Jews and Samaritans. Jesus knew her questions were valid, but chose not to debate with her. His purpose for meeting her wasn’t to hound her to accept the Jewish religion, or to debate whether her religious beliefs were right or wrong. Rather, he wanted to offer her a new way of life not based on certain religious dogma, but upon a relationship with the God who made her and knew her all along.
[Jesus answered] “…God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth.”
The woman said, “I know the Messiah is coming—the one who is called Christ. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.”
Then Jesus told her, “I am the Messiah!” [The one whom God promised would come for the purpose of setting captives free.]
The woman was so excited that she left her water jar behind and ran back to the village to tell her fellow Samaritans,
“Come and see a man who told me everything I ever did! Could he possibly be the Messiah?”
Jesus knows every battle you’ve fought
I too, like this woman have met Jesus, the one who knows everything I am and loves me anyway. And like this woman, I have also experienced his power to uncover my shame and free me from guilt’s hold by his lavish love. I can without question tell you that Jesus longs to visit you where you are. He’s willing to meet you in your
Rejection, and offer you a place in his forever family
Loneliness, and fill you with a belonging you have never experienced
Questions, and offer you a life you may not yet understand, but a good life beyond your current comprehension
Anger, and grant you healing
prison cell – whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, and extend to you his key to freedom, without the hangover, the aftermath, or the numbing
He’s not put off by your surroundings, your (fill in the blank), or your past. He’s madly in love with you and offers you a place of standing in his kingdom of light, right now, if you will turn to him and give it all to him. It’s as simple as asking him to give you the power to turn from your current state and make you new. At that very instant, you will become a member of his kingdom, for he turns no one away. Ever.
May I pray for you? Dear Lord, I may not know this one who’s reading, but you do. You know everything about them, and you love them extravagantly. May they in this moment experience your love and power to free them from from their dark place into your amazing light. You are so good and kind, and I ask they would feel your presence right now. Draw them to yourself, as you have a million time drawn me in my pain. I also ask, that if they choose to come to you, that you would lead them to others who’ve experienced your gifts to teach them. Thank you. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Here is a song I recently discovered that may bless you today:
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